It has been brought to my attention that you are, by and large, morons. As a result, I have complied a list of things you should know before you next bless me with your presence.

1) Do not tell me to “make sure they’re the winning numbers”. They aren’t, and they never will be. That joke wasn’t funny when the peanut-brain in front of you told it thirty seconds ago, and it is not funny now. I do not have access to a magic button which will make yours the winning ticket. Do you really think I would be standing here, listening to your shit if I did? 

 2) There are cards which you can fill out to select your numbers. These cards work by detecting ink in each box. This means that scribbling out a selection WITH THE SAME PEN will not make the machine magically deselect it.

 3) Stop telling me that you’ll “take me on a trip” if you win, and expecting me to act grateful. You won’t win, you are not entitled to my gratitude, and I refuse to be dragged into this screaming vortex of misery and self-deception which you have created.

 4) If you look under 25, I have to check for ID. Do not ask me to take your fucking word for it. I cannot sell you an instant lottery ticket if you are under 18 – merely promising me that you are of age proves nothing. Even a 17 year old could figure that out. 

5) The same applies to your children. If I have reason to believe that you are buying instant lottery tickets for your child, I CANNOT sell them to you. The law will fuck me up if I do. Do not wink at me and say “Oh, don’t worry, I won’t give it to my child”. YES YOU WILL, YOU LYING PRICK. Do not then get bitchy at me for obeying the law. I don’t actually care that you’re disappointed I’m not “willing to go the extra mile” to introduce your child to gambling.

 6) Stop asking me to check your tickets. There is a perfectly serviceable machine designed explicitly for this purpose approximately eight inches to your right. This machine has the words “LOTTO – CHECK YOUR TICKET HERE!” emblazoned across the front in massive letters. I understand that you have a desperate need for validation from another human being, but that will not be me. Go hire a prostitute.

 7) Lotto does not accept credit cards. I cannot change this. This measure is specifically designed to prevent dipshits like you from gambling with money they don’t have.

 8) I do not care about your “strategy” for winning the lottery. You don’t have one. Any strategy you do have merely serves to show the world your failure to grasp the concept of randomly drawn numbers.

 9) Don’t get angry with me when some idiot stands in a dazed stance of slack-jawed bewilderment at the counter for three minutes while a queue forms behind him. I’m trying to get rid of him. You have it easy. All you have to do is stand there – I have to talk to Johnny Shit-For-Brains.

10) Please stop trying to explain how you choose your numbers based on previous results and the Law of Averages. You're making the mathematicians cry.

11) Look at the people in front of you in the line. Take note of how many people are giving me money. Now note how many people are being given money by me. Now note the way I have to stop selling tickets for a moment because the till can't hold any more cash.

12) Learn basic mathematics. Or talk to someone who has learned basic mathematics. Or use the caluclator function on your phone. Take five minutes to caluclate the odds of you winning the lottery. Stop throwing your money at this like a retarded chimpanzee and go buy something tangible, like an actual retarded chimpanzee (makes a great surprise gift for Christmas!)

13) What do you mean, "somebody's got to win it"? The lottery jackpots by one million dollars every week it isn't won. It starts at three million. It is currently sitting at twenty-seven cockmongering million dollars. That means that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE PAST TWENTY-FOUR DRAWS HAVE GONE WITHOUT A WINNER. Christ.

14) DON’T ASK ME TO CHECK ANYTHING THAT ISN’T A LOTTERY TICKET. I can’t believe I even have to say this. A printed list of the winning numbers is not a lottery ticket. More to the point, however, a receipt for a chocolate bar from Countdown cannot even be mistaken for a lottery ticket. No. I refuse to believe it. You are not that stupid.

You can't be that stupid.

Surely.

...

I hate you.